LeIgHtOn RhYmEs WiTh Seitan

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 18:46:54 GMT

I like it when atheist, non-car guys make fun of cars and hippies in car magazines.

Penn Jillette in Motor Trend:

So Jillette settled on a Bronco and, confident in his manhood, promptly painted it pink. "I'm very happy being big and effeminate," he says.

"I've been told by friends in L.A. that if you want to f--- Hollywood starlets, you've got to have a Prius," Jillette states with authority. "Everybody I know that has a Prius, has it just to get laid because douchebag women in L.A. who can't read think a Prius is someone who's saving the world! It's like guys that used to go to peace marches to get laid. Now you have a Prius to get laid in."

Since that isn't an issue for Jillette these days, he's happy with his Mini Cooper. "It's actually a much more green car than a Prius, but it doesn't play that way," he says. "It's a much better deal than the Prius and it doesn't have the batteries that are going to be impossible to get rid of."

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 12:30:37 GMT

Sparked by tongodeon post:

When asked that "You want to keep your teeth for the rest of your life" question by our dentist, I answered "no". They didn't say anything to me but mentioned it to my wife. They also constantly tried to upsell me with whitening and a teeth grinding night protector. I told them I grind my teeth during the day and sleep with my mouth wide open all night. My wife confirmed the mouth-dreaming. They ignored me and scheduled an expensive fitting. I never went back to them.

Dentistry is a religion, and a selling game. Dentistry is Scientology. But even Scientology isn;t all bad.

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 11:54:29 GMT

Chapstik's new stuff is in the material world and on Chapstik Bomb dot comb
Also, were forming a Boston tribute band called Let Me Scholz You.

Finally, Production!

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 22:44:56 GMT

New Podcast is up. You can listen to it here in a window. Or subscribe like all the other Apple fanboys like me.

Disturbingly, this one’s measured in hands!

Podcast by your favorite vegetarian, atheist truck driver / failed rock star. This one caps the repeatable stories of our Western-leg tour with The Meatmen. Midgets, celebrities, hair-flavored microphones besot the topic memo. Also:
A phone conversation with FuTuRe Leighton.
Music by Hasil Adkins, chickens, Tad, plus the latest Tom Waits tribute band and Red Fang.

"Get outta my Kingdom and into that Grave"

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 06:11:09 GMT

Billy Ocean was waaay better.

Also:

Free Red Fang Download of Witness
Not the best song of the album, but it is, so far, my album of the year.

Seriously, with the early video alone it would win:

Conzum - زنده باد ايران

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 16:55:16 GMT

Driving the truck, I rent cars when I have time off in odd places. (More recently, because someone stole my cheap back-of-truck bike in Ohio). Rentals are usually the crack whores of the automotive world, treated cheaply and inhumanely.

When in Denver, I was given a choice: Nissan Versa or Chevy Cobalt. VERSA VERSA VERSA. The Nissan didn't drive poorly, but it only got about 28mpg, had serious rattles, and was anemic. The next time, in rural Kentucky, I had no choice: Cobalt, two different times. This most popular invisibility machine ever manufactured was, somehow, not a horrible ride. Yeah, both had a horrid interior and typical GM warped rotors. But the radio worked well and the trip / computer told me more than I needed to know.

The first one got 34mpg, despite my attempts to remove 1" of tread at every light and corner. At one point, I was followed by my wife in her Mazda , which has a suspension that cost more to design than 10 years of GM private jet leases. On back KY roads, the Cobalt was pulling away from everything without sweating about it. Or maybe I'm insane and wish they'd bring back the Chevette with a Small Block and a lift kit?

I'd seriously consider an SS Cobalt, since even jaded BMW-centered journalists seem to approve of it in disgust, because it is that fast. The sedan is another ultimate Sleeper. If an anonymousmobile beats your MiniS or 3 Series to the next on ramp, it might be this:

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 14:33:48 GMT

Facebook and The Russians have killed blogs. Cool!

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 04:09:53 GMT

http://www.facebook.com/leightonsatan

If you are another ex-girlfriend who tried to hire someone to stab me in the 80's, please note, I am armed:

with Obama Shoes:

...and that sure is my cell number.

iPhone 3Gsus Christ!

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 03:37:44 GMT

I may actually break down and get the new, new iPhone 3GS

Reasons I am intrigued: (Not because it reminds dyslexics like me of the excellent Infinity G35S)

I can get it cheaper than most. Current ATT Podpeople will have to pay $200-400 more than someone like me with a new contract. (possibly to keep supply in check?)
Good Android phones are not coming out fast enough.
It has voice command for the phone and iPod music access. Picking songs while driving a 40 ton truck is best done with both eyes n the road.
Compass and Tomtom support. I am also in the market for a new GPS. This may kill two birds.
A real camera appears!
ATT service seemed fine with two of my bandmates on our recent cross-country tour, so it looks like their service has slightly improved for my needs.
Verizon's new phones blow.

Reasons not to get:

ATT service in general will have a hard time coming close to Verizon's.
Verizon may have iPhones soon.
My Samsung Glyde actually works well... for now.
My contract doesn't end until August./ prorated fees.
I will lose it. I know it.

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 20:10:46 GMT

Tesco Vee is working on a trucking-themed song and asked for some recommended terms of the trade he might be able to use these to make the punk / HC song to end all trucking-themed songs:

SALT SHAKER - plow
PICKLE PARK - rest area ...usually with reference illicit sex.
ORGAN DONOR - motorcycle rider driving badly
BLINKER FLUID - doesn't exist
EVEL KNIEVEL - motorcycle cop
COMMERCIAL COMPANY - prostitutes
DISCO LIGHTS - cop lights
Drivin' into the WOLVERINE - entering Michigan
Drivin' into the BUCKEYE - entering Ohio
CHICKEN COOPS - weigh stations
WIGGLE WAGONS - double trailers
HAMMER / GRANNY - fast / slow lanes
REEFER - refrigerated trailer / hauler
SEAT COVER - women passengers in other vehicles
MEAT WAGON - ambulance
STAND ON IT - floor it

NOT recommended:
WATERMELON 500 - term for the interstate loop 285/ area around Atlanta
GAY BAY - San Francisco area

LA and NYC surprises

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 17:55:50 GMT

An old acquaintance of ours is in Michigan working with Rob Reiner on a period movie. She moved to LA and actually likes it. I can kind of see it:

The most surprising thing about Hollywood on tour was seeing a movie in a theater where no fellow patron spoke, even during the previews. No cell phones brightened the room either. Such courtesy. This may have been a special situation, because friends recommended the complex (next to Amoeba, I forget the name): they discourage kids in their pricing and the seats are assigned.
The screen itself was monstrous. And it was the loudest movie I ever saw, which may have made the film, "Terminator, Starvation" almost good. At least it kept my mind off the lesbian gang bang porn shoot I declined to attend.

A random job situation gave me 1/2 a day and night in NYC yesterday. I went to a Rick Steves political speech / book signing and wandered aimlessly towards the DOuble DOwn in a town I thought I knew well. I intentionally managed to get lost, found hidden PATH tunnels between closed storefronts, and ate at a fake diner with a secret door to a secret nightclub filled with secretly-wealthy patrons.

I could live there too but am afraid it would destroy my favorite city in the world. It has layers that Chicago, LA and San Francisco could never hope to accumulate, even if they combined efforts.
I am disappointed in New Yorkers' acquiescence to flip flops and a faked version of the original, Vegas DOuble DOwn bathroom, but the dwindling fixie hoarde could be attributed to good taste (hopefully not fatalities).

YARD SALE! YPSITUCKY-STYLE!

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 23:41:23 GMT

Saturday morning is the Annual Normal Park Yard Sale, in Ypsilantistan, MI.

It starts at 9AM- no earlier. Any earlybird hipsters or bluehairs will be shot on sight before 9 in the morning. It will be hard for us to wake up tomorrow after partying with Mila Jovovoch and Ed Norton downtown.

Vegan snickerdoodles and cupcakes will be available after 11, South of Congress, on Wallace.

Expect lots of cheap couches and CDs for burning. I'll be selling music gear that I have no right owning.

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 04:37:12 GMT

Life without no A/C really blows,

“We don’t have to invade Iraq to find terrorists. They’re right here killing abortion doctors.”

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 17:35:07 GMT

If anti-choicers really believed abortion were murder, then there would be a doctor assassinated every day. There isn't, so they don't.

In a very indirect way, I very slightly respect people who take their extreme fetus fetish to the only logical conclusion: murdering the "murderer".

Few fundies have the pure, deluded conviction of Dr. George Tiller's assassin. Like religious conviction, no one agrees completely with another person on details of getting an abortion. That is why religion and reproductive freedom should be left to the individual.

"I chose to become an abortion doctor
because abortion is the single greatest issue
of civil rights and personal freedom for women."

— George Tiller, August 8, 1941 to May 31, 2009

In the rear window of the 1993 blue Ford Taurus that (the assassin) was driving was a red rose, a symbol often used by abortion opponents. On the rear of his car was a Christian fish symbol with the word "Jesus" inside.

There's a few things more dangerous than a herd of white people who feel they are powerless.

The AM bunker-broadcasting Osama Bin Limbots are, in part, to blame. Scott P. Roeder's Kansan execution should be carried out by Glenn Beck, after he is waterboarded.

Sat, 30 May 2009 03:10:54 GMT

One word synopsis of tour shows so far:

Salt Lake City: MORMON
Boise: CRIPPLE
Seattle: TAD
Portland: SMELL
San Francisco: SLUTS
Santa Barbara: MIDGET
Pomona: THREAT
Hollywood: CELEBS
Las Vegas: SLOTZZ
Albuquerque: ZOMBIES
San Antonio: BLINDED
Austin: CUMFETTI
Coppell, TX: SKEETERS

Fri, 29 May 2009 16:33:30 GMT

Chapstik in Dallas tonight with olde REO Speedealer fiends+

Then the MiXXXXXXX in SATX:

No more shows until the reggae album comes out.

Mon, 25 May 2009 17:56:08 GMT

Lyrics to Mr. Tapeworm :

crab legs, pate, sweet prok juices
mr. tapeworm never refuses
head cheese, vegies pizzapie
that little guy spits in my eye

oh mr. tapeworm he makes me squirm
nice mr. tapeworm'll make my ring burn

maypo, tofu, screaming zonkers
daily my dead bowels he conquers
crawls out of my dirt chute at night
to feast on my fridges delights

oh mr. tapeworm he makes me squirm
nice mr. tapeworm'll make my ring burn

Shorties

Mon, 25 May 2009 08:01:54 GMT

After the SF show, we drove over the Santa Cruz mountains on a tiny road with the fucking trailer and almost hit 2 deer, then stayed with Elvis' aunt in a redwood forest.

At the Hollywood show, we played for: Nick Oliveri (Queens of the Stone Age / Kyuss / Dwarves / Mondo G...), Slymenstra Hymen (who did more than sing and dance for GWAR, she wrote my fav. GWAR songs), Turbonegro's bass player, Bridget, ...

Playing with the Meatmen is a dream come true. Seeing Tesco wear our shirt during a show made my year:

Las Vegas was so fun, I drank. And while drinking I watched the sun appear through the bar's main entrance and hung out with crazy fire eaters and had to make weird sounds with my tongue.

ONE LESS FIXIE a Meat Sluts sticker.

Mon, 25 May 2009 07:13:42 GMT

ONE LESS FIXIE a Meat Sluts sticker., originally uploaded by leightonsatan.

Best sticker for the front of an urban vehicle ever.

LA Chapstik show / hero worship in two pics:

Sat, 23 May 2009 21:46:52 GMT

Name the players:

Hints: GWAR and Desert Rock.

Tue, 19 May 2009 16:08:52 GMT

Chapstik tonight on Pirate Cat Radio at 4 Pacific, then Thee Parkside in San Francisco

Motherbaugh is still cooler than Reznor:

Seattle in one picture:

Mon, 18 May 2009 18:48:10 GMT

Pegadeth, Elvis Erin, Tesco Vee (Meatmen), Malarshal Stack (Meatmen), TAD (TAD!), at our Seattle show Saturday.

Tour Journal #1: Great Salty Vagina Lake Edition

Mon, 18 May 2009 03:57:50 GMT

Three Western shows out of the way on the There Will Be Dicks Tour, must remember things:

Drove our asses off to Cheyenne, Wyoming and partied with a tumbleweed who tried to sell us meth then cried.

Salt Lake City:
hochi666 and I were prosthelatized by Brazilian and Texan girls on the Mormon Temple grounds,... didn't have the balls to ask if they were Morma or where Mormo was. The main Temple is usually locked to all but the highest asses in the Church, but the gate was open during a wedding.

Had amazing vegan food across from the venue. Bought the Mormon Mobile sticker.

A homeless guy showed up to the show via 2 hour bus ride from Ogden and bought Chapstik chicken with food stamps, then I realized that I knew him from punk days in Tampa. We reminisced about The Heavy Metal Capital of the World and Deicide. He needed a ride home but didn't even hint that we could give him one.

SLC has a Metal Store that is open from 10 to 666, but it wasn't open at 7:06.

Burt's Tiki Lounge wasn't completely packed, but it was very energetic. The opener had three guitarists like us, but only one guy did like 4 leads per song. Crowd got really violent when the Meatmen covered a Fear song.

Boise and Seattle were next: Played a song with the Meatmen in Idaho,... and what happened in Seattle could fill a book (Tad came to see us and I had a long conversation with a girl while she peed on our van),...

There Will Be Dicks Tour

Mon, 11 May 2009 16:50:43 GMT

Awesome graphic by DanG:

Chapstik does most of the shows with the Meatmen as direct support (I even get to play Centurions of Rome with them... working on a costume that makes my Italian side come out more.):

May 14 2009 8:00P
BURT’S TIKI LOUNGE W/ THE MEATMEN Salt Lake City, Utah

May 15 2009 6:00P
GUSTO’S W/ THE MEATMEN Boise, Idaho

May 16 2009 9:30P
FUN HOUSE W/ THE MEATMEN Seattle, Washington

May 17 2009 9:00P
PLAN B W/ THE MEATMEN Portland, Oregon

May 19 2009 8:00P
THEE PARKSIDE W/ THE MEATMEN San Francisco, California

May 20 2009 8:00P
VELVET JONES W/ THE MEATMEN Santa Barbara, California

May 21 2009 9:00P
ANGELO’S W/ THE MEATMEN Pomona, California

May 22 2009 9:00P
RELAX BAR W/ THE MEATMEN Hollywood, California

May 23 2009 9:00P
DOUBLE DOWN W/ THE MEATMEN Las Vegas, Nevada

May 25 2009 8:00P
LAUNCH PAD W/ THE MEATMEN Albuquerque,, New Mexico

May 26 2009 8:00P
ROCK BOTTOM - W/ THE MEATMEN San Antonio, Texas

May 27 2009 8:00P
EMO’S W/ THE MEATMEN Austin, Texas

May 29 2009 8:00P
LONE STAR COUNTRY CLUB - W/ HIT & RUN + Speedealer spinoffs? Coppell, Texas

May 30 2009 8:00P
¿ ¿ ¿ S E C R E T S H O W ? ? ? TBA (San Anto)

The van has new tires but NO A/C, so expect to hear about a Detroit band involved in some kind of rage buffet explosion by the Texas shows.

This may be a review...

Mon, 11 May 2009 16:32:17 GMT

For once, a "Best of" recommendation rings true: The Woodbridge Pub, in Detroit (right around the corner from our practice space on Trubmull) has possibly the best vegetarian burger Jennifer and I have ever had. It is that good despite being beanburger: we don't really like beans as the "Protein". Their renovation of a bombed-out Detroit party store into a cozy pub is amazing.

Depot Town Tattoos did a great job on their renovation as well. Least claustrophobic tattoo shop ever, well,... next to the one in the open flea market where I got my first tattoo illegally in 1988... and fainted.